What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
