Sacagawea was the original milf.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
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We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
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BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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