Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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