You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize