Ambien. No doubt about it.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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