I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
We smell like vodka and hangover
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
