I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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