So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Houston, we have a squirter
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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