I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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