I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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