So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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