I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
