I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
