: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
