lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
