Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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