honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize
