why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
