just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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