On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
