Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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