If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Randomize
