i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
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At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
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