i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
