Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
50% drunk capacity currently
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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