Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
