I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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