This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
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We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
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I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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