oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Your dad touched me again.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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