Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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