I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
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