Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
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