Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
