i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
