so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
