He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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