My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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