just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
