So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
