I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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