I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
