I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize