I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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