I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
