I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
