My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Randomize
