I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
