Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
