The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
