Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
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