I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Randomize
