My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.