omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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