I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
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shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
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I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.