Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
