so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
