Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
