Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
the raccoons are back...
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