I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Drake has all the answers
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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