Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
