What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
