My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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