im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
