I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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