A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
