what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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